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I
haven’t slept all night. I dreamt awake I was in total
control of the state of my dream. A sage entered my dream,
or is it better to say that I dived into eternity. I
realized that dreams are not needed here. Everything that
might be a dream or daydreaming, was not needed here,
because it was the higher and deeper state, deeper than
ideals, deeper |
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than anything. The sage was watching me
calmly and I think there was something victorious in his
eye. |
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•
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You
brought me here only to shatter my dream that I will one day
find out who I really am. |
| There
was a deliberate hint of rebuke in my voice. He was still
silent, which made me even more irritable. Then he stopped
the silence. |
| • |
To
find out who you used to be or who you really are? Which one
are you talking about? If you reveal the first dream, you
will see the banality and forget about the dream of
eternity, you’ll forget everything. If you reveal the
second dream, then you will accomplish your mission as a
human being.
|
| • |
I
don’t care, I want to find out about the first one first. |
| • |
I
shall not tell you that, for your not chosen for that. You
have been chosen for something completely different. |
| • |
Your
master told you that? |
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Yes,
he told me about it and it is a great joy. |
| • |
I
think I smell fanaticism, again. I do not wish to be the one
who blindly believes in something. |
| • |
Nobody
wants you to. |
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Why
are you saying these things like that, then? |
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That
is what you should find out. |
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Wait.
You claim that you and I are one. And you know the answer
and I don’t. How are we one, then? |
| • |
You
and I are one, I know the answer which means that you know
it too, but this knowledge doesn’t reach your
consciousness. Start thinking with your being, and not only
with your reason and spirit... Now we shall go even deeper.
Touch my hand and when you do that you will start thinking
with your own being.
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I
touched the sage’s hand. How to describe my thoughts now?
Every thought is manifested in words, right? But, if the
word in that same moment materializes itself, becomes a
solid thing and the universal principal, how to describe
that? So, for example, I think about a tree. Then, all that
exists is a tree, the whole universe, eternity and myself. I
am a real and tangible tree. |
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What is a tree, then? I
experienced a tree and every further description is
excessive. I knew that every single thing can be both me and
the universal principal in the same time. Every word can be
solid and very directly, experiential, and every word is a
principle. When being described, these seem like
oppositions. However, in a direct experience there are no
oppositions. |
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•
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The
morning has dawned in your real world, maybe it’s time for
you to go back? |
| • |
I
am not sure whether to go back at all. Of course, it
doesn’t mean that I am attracted to this side too much.
We’ve got one pattern there and there are some other
patterns here. Everyday someone gets killed there, I always
drink my morning coffee, sometimes my mother drops by,
sometimes beings form the parallel world come and that’s
all. Here, on the other hand, I am doomed to listening to
you, to trust you always and everything you say. Moreover, I
have to ask for a permission if I want to ask you anything
at all. Despair rules over there, and sheer faith over here,
these are not my worlds, I feel like in prison, like in room
without an exit. I know, you always have your
interpretations of all this..... I have to admit that I find
them irritating lately. I am beginning to feel strong
resistance towards you, and at the same time, resistance
that I feel towards the world I live in, is even stronger. I
feel like I have to choose between to bad things.... Tell
your master I don’t want to see him.... Too many enigmas
are involved in my life, they come one after another, and
there is no sign of an answer.... Yes, I am depressed...
Deeply depressed.... Anyway, I am going now, I may come
again, but I don’t promise.
|
| • |
In
future you needn’t ask me for the permission to ask me
questions. You can always call me and ask me anything you
want.
|
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I
said good-bye to the sage and came back to my room. I was
sitting in the chair, by the table on which there was a
book. I was about to open the book and start to read, but
then I saw my mother in the room. I really don’t know how
she manages to come in unnoticed. But, there she was.
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| • |
How
do you like this book, mum? |
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Which
book, son? |
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This
one, I am holding in my hands. |
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I
just see folded hands in which there is nothing. |
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Here,
take it in your own hands. |
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You
must be kidding me? |
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I
am absolutely serious. |
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You,
my son, are not holding anything in your hand. I don’t see
any book. |
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How
come? I can see it and I am reading it. Here, I am holding
it tightly in my hand, and you don’t see it. One of us is
hallucinating.
|
| • |
Maybe
you just wish to have a book in your hand. |
| • |
Mother,
I was reading it! It is the real book. |
| • |
That
is not possible. |
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Why? |
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•
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Don’t
ask me tat. |
| I
knew that she was going to tell me that. I felt nervousness
in the air. I wanted to be alone. |
| • |
So,
who got killed today? |
| • |
Don’t
joke with things like that.... Last night a girl in the
near-by street was kidnapped and her parents are
blackmailed... As a confirmation that they’ve got the
girl, they cut her ears and left hand and sent it to her
parents. These are not the things you should joke around
with and be ironic about.
|
| • |
Sorry,
I am very nervous today... You know I love you, mum? |
| • |
I
know son... You have always been a good son. Your irony and
sense of humor have always been just words and nothing else.
Your soul has always been noble... I brought you an apple
and made you some coffee.
|
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The
sweet one, again? |
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No,
this time I made it just as you like it. |
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I
was sipping my coffee and watching my mother. She was sad,
like she was carrying the burden of overall existence on her
shoulders. Slowly, trying to stay unnoticed, I dived into
her. There was nothing but sorrow in her, sorrow like a
cosmic principle and everything I saw were just contours,
since everything was wrapped with dark, sticky fog. |
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I
started to touch her inner self and to transform that sorrow
and fog into light and hope. When I realized that i
enlightened her, I came back and noticed that she was in a
much better mood. I was glad. |
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| • |
Maybe
its a sin, but every time I get here, I feel great relief. I
know there is no hope, but sometimes I feel like I live in
the times when I had it.
|
| • |
It
seems that everyone recalls certain ‘good old’ times
when the life was better. I am the only one who doesn’t
remember those times. You, who remember, at least you had
some hope. I don’t remember anything and don’t know what
to hope for. This is not an irony.
|
| • |
I
know it isn’t. That is your truth. |
| • |
I
heard many general words, lately. Words, like: truth,
knowledge, belief, hope and many other. From day to day
these words are loosing their sense for me.
|
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I
know, son. |
| • |
You
know? |
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Yes,
I think I know. Of course, you can never be sure in your
knowledge or belief. |
| • |
So,
what kind of knowledge or belief is that, if you can never
be sure in it? |
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That’s
man’s destiny. |
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I
can’t accept it. |
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You
can or you don’t have to, but that’s the way it is. I
could never accept my destiny, but I couldn’t escape it. |
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Are
you saying that you knew your destiny? |
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Not
that. I think of my present state. |
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Which
state? |
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Don’t
ask that. |
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I
knew it. I knew she was going to answer like that. I wanted
to talk to her about that. But, she stood up, kissed me and
just vanished.... I was confused; my sage wants me to
believe something, although he says that is not like that,
my mother doesn’t see the book I am holding in my hands.
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I
took the book again and started to read. ‘Knowledge is
manifested through belief or dis-belief. What we really know
is confirmed through the true signposts towards oneself,
everything else is deceit. Destiny is also deceit, it is a
matter of the personal truth and choice, but that is not the
Knowledge. All-knowing holy sage, who represents himself as
the master of your master is not a |
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master; he is the one who
creates, changes, helps, enlightens and when needed, he
punishes the darkness. He doesn’t punish the people, but
he punishes the demons. He is the Holy Warrior, who can show
you skills which you never dreamed of. If he chooses you,
that’s a privilege, because he leads you the way towards
the Knowledge beyond Knowledge. Those states exist, too. If
you refuse him, forget to have read this passage.’ I
closed the book and started to repeat calmly: |
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| • |
Ahmed
harim, ahmed harim, ahmed harim... |
| • |
My
room started to disappear before my eyes. I realized I was
sitting on a very small island in a faraway sea. The one who
told me to be the master of my master, has appeared.
|
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You
called me? |
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Yes.... |
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You
don’t have to ask me for the permission to ask questions.
Go ahead and ask. |
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How
should I address you? |
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I
have many names, you can choose one yourself. |
| • |
The
Guard. |
| • |
Excellent!
That’s a great answer. |
| • |
Does
that mean I named you correctly? |
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That
means that you determined your mission very precisely. I
should teach you skills of how to become the Holy Guard....
But you can also call me a guard. |
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Although
you are not one? |
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I
can be that for you. |
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He
was really playing and enjoying the water around him. There
was some kind of pure, genuine beauty, almost child-like, in
his game.
|
| • |
You
want to become a Guard? |
| • |
I
do. |
| • |
Beware,
here we have completely different rules. I will teach you
and command. Every command must be obeyed.
|
| • |
It
looks like a fanaticism to me. |
| • |
We
can talk about that. But first you have to forget about
everything you were taught by your master. Here is one
reason for that. If everything is nothing, even with capital
“N” and if everything is one, then, there is no good and
evil. Is killing children, innocent people and similar
things the same as doing good to people?
|
| • |
You’re
right. |
| • |
Have
in mind that the teaching of your master, on the level of
nothing, is completely correct. But you should learn
something else, now. Your path is being redirected.
|
| • |
But
there isn’t anything beyond nothing. |
| • |
You
should forget that. When the time comes you will learn that
there is something beyond nothing. This was enough for one
day. Before I leave, I want to tell you the following: stop
searching for yourself, because doing that so persistently,
means violence against oneself; the one who always uses the
right way will eventually achieve his goal.
|
| His
image started to disappear, the water withdrew and I was in
my flat again. I was delighted with my new master. |
